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• All you need is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.

• Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.

• Man will do many things to get himself loved; he will do all things to get himself envied.

• It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.

• It is noble to be good; it is still nobler to teach others to be good - and less trouble.

• Let your secret sympathies and your compassion be always with the under dog in the fight - this is magnanimity; but bet on the other one - this is business.

• Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.

• Nothing incites to money-crimes like great poverty or great wealth.

• Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.

• Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

• Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she has laid an asteroid.

• If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

• Most writers regard truth as their most valuable possession, and therefore are most economical in its use.

• All you need is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.

• Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.

• Man will do many things to get himself loved; he will do all things to get himself envied.

• It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.

• It is noble to be good; it is still nobler to teach others to be good - and less trouble.

• Let your secret sympathies and your compassion be always with the under dog in the fight - this is magnanimity; but bet on the other one - this is business.

• Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

• Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

• To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know, I've done it a thousand times.

• The old man laughed loud and joyously, shook up the details of his anatomy from head to foot, and ended by saying such a laugh was money in a man's pocket, because it cut down the doctor's bills like anything.

• When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

• Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.

• I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.